


They Say

by anotherbuskitten



Category: Marvel, Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-26
Updated: 2013-08-26
Packaged: 2017-12-24 18:43:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/943350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anotherbuskitten/pseuds/anotherbuskitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Winter Soldier is tested for triggers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	They Say

* * *

_They say ‘Steve’ and his first thought is kill but he doesn’t tell them so._

The words are generic and everyday; meant to tell them how likely triggers are.

Blue makes him stare at the sky because it is bigger than he remembers and he has never stopped to look before.

Red is happy; a brush of fingertips and sanity.

War is the barrel of a gun pressed to his face and blood staining his every move.

_(He almost lied when they asked him that, because he thought maybe they wanted him to say he could see heroes in spandex and saving the day)_

* * *

Sleep is the prick of a needle and a heavy feeling in his arms.

Pain is shining metal.

Failure is a girl crying and the feeling that something is wrong.

Loss is empty and cold.

Death is the sensation of falling and cold and worry.

Blood is sharp and slick and stains the snow.

America makes him think of suits and money and _no common sense, always rushing into things, won’t you ever just stop and think?_

* * *

They say SHIELD and he thinks of flags and targets and is sick all over the polished cell floor.

So they try HYDRA instead and he thinks _kill_ but feels his hand curving over an imaginary gun; ready to follow any order he is given.

They ask about his arm after that and he tells them what he knows.

_(He doesn’t know anything. He never needed to know anything)_

* * *

They say love and he thinks of the brush of skin on skin again.

Sometimes he tries to remember the last time someone willingly touched him.

They try hate too but he can’t quite remember what that is so they go away.

He tries to goad himself into hating.

He says he hates the men who did this to him. _(But he doesn’t have any sort of name for them and he can’t hate a construct.)_

He says he hates the ones keeping him locked up. _(But it isn’t like he doesn’t understand why.)_

He thinks he might hate himself but he has nothing to compare it to so maybe it doesn’t count.

* * *

He thinks, though, that if they asked him again, he might tell them about the look on Steve’s face when he fell.

But then they might think he was getting better, so perhaps not.

* * *

James Barnes remembers all the lives he’s lived but he won’t tell anyone.

Not ever.

* * *

_They say ‘Steve’ and he thinks_ home.

_Home, home, home._


End file.
